


the light of your eyes is lonelier than the moonlight (that's the reason i wait for you)

by thewoundupbird



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Dream AU, F/F, Time Loop AU, also sort of Millenium Actress and Paprika for your Satoshi Kon fans, sort of inspired by Bly Manor & Inception
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:41:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27716258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewoundupbird/pseuds/thewoundupbird
Summary: Seulgi is stuck inside her memories.  She doesn't know why.  Also Joohyun keeps popping up and she isn't exactly helpful.
Relationships: Bae Joohyun | Irene/Kang Seulgi
Comments: 30
Kudos: 109





	the light of your eyes is lonelier than the moonlight (that's the reason i wait for you)

Seulgi sits in the van with her phone in her lap. The notification of Joohyun’s last message appears as a banner at the top. She can just make out the beginning.

_ We need to talk when you come back- _

__

She sighs and leans back against the headrest, feeling the car come to a stop at a light. Seulgi’s eyes flutter closed. She sits in her thoughts, letting the hundreds of conflicting feelings coalesce around her. Is she running away, Seulgi wonders idly as she thinks of Joohyun’s face, slack with shocked hurt. But that doesn’t matter anymore. Not with the meeting Seulgi just had barely an hour ago in the SM building at Gangnam. It’s all just-

“Do you want to stop anywhere for dinner?” Red Velvet’s manager asks quietly from the front seat. He seems to be able to tell that Seulgi wants to be left alone but he still has to do his job.

She swallows, not quite sure of how to answer. Prolong the inevitable with a meal? Or go back to her dorm?

The car starts to move forward before Seulgi can reply. There is a moment before she says anything where she feels her stomach bottom out like right before dropping at the top of a roller coaster. And she starts to open her eyes just as—

—she’s turning into place. Seulgi frowns, stumbling against the panel mirrors lining the practice room.

“Seulgi-yah, be careful.”

She looks up and tries not to noticeably swallow at Joohyun who’s glancing over her shoulder. She’s wearing a flimsy over-sized white top that reveals the strap of her sports bra. Seulgi is the only one allowed to tug the sleeve back over the other girl’s shoulder without getting a bad reaction. They’ve been training together for almost five years after all. 

“Sorry, Unnie, I got a little dizzy.”

Joohyun’s mouth twists downward and she turns to face Seulgi, one hand clutching the fold-up chair they’d been practicing with.

“It’s because you didn’t eat today, right?”

Seulgi licks her lips because it feels true but also didn’t she eat today? In a dorm with Seungwan, Sooyoung, and Yerim. But Yerim isn’t a part of Red Velvet yet—

“Where’d you go?” 

Seulgi’s shoulders tense when she realizes that Joohyun is standing  _ right  _ in front of her, leaning forward like she isn’t already way too close. 

“Sorry, I guess I’m a bit tired.”

“Because you didn’t eat today?”

“Yeah.”

Joohyun sighs as she gives Seulgi one last hard look before stepping back.

“I’ll buy you some stuff after practice, okay? Just hold out for a little longer, Seulgi-yah.”

Seulgi swallows as she studies Joohyun’s thin back, seeing the silhouette of frail shoulders and a tiny waist. Even in the harsh glow of the fluorescent lighting above them, Joohyun is so so— 

—bright. Seulgi blinks rapidly as she adjusts to the hard press of the bench digging into her back.

“You can’t leave me.”

Seulgi frowns as she turns her head and sees Joohyun, head bowed and baseball cap covering most of her face. 

“Unnie.”

“We promised we’d debut together. We promised.”

Seulgi sighs as she grips the bench beneath her so tightly her fingers ache. She thinks of the five long years she’s spent as a trainee with no end in sight. Her friends are thinking about college and she’s just stuck thinking about the next dance showcase she needs to rehearse for. 

“Don’t you think we’d be happier if we ended up stopping now? We could still go back to the way things used to be. If we keep training for even longer it might get to the point of no return.”

“That isn’t what you said here, Seulgi-yah. Try again.”

Seulgi frowns and glances back at Joohyun but the girl is just staring at her intently like she hadn’t said anything in the first place.

“Okay, Unnie. We’ll debut together. I’m not going anywhere.”

Joohyun nods, her sharp eyes a little watery.

“If you weren’t here by my side… I don’t know what I’d do.”

Seulgi swallows at the admission, trying to stop the way the words bloom in her chest like a spring flower. Instead, she shifts and to her surprise, feels the warmth of Joohyun’s hand right next to hers. Out of the corner of her eye, she can see Joohyun’s pinky just grazing her own. Of course, when Seulgi tries to study Joohyun’s face nothing is given away. She’s just gazing ahead at the park in front of them without a ripple of emotion disrupting her smooth façade.

“Isn’t the moon pretty tonight?” Seulgi muses quietly. She can feel Joohyun staring at her.

“Yes. It is.”

“You’re not even looking at it, Unnie.”

Joohyun says nothing in reply and Seulgi just—

—cries into her hands, trying to muffle the noises with a blanket. She can barely make a sound because her voice isn’t working as it should be. Seulgi sniffles loudly and it seems to wake Joohyun who sleepily grabs her from behind, pressing her face against her shoulder.

“Seulgi-yah,” she murmurs, breath tickling the curling hairs at the nape of Seulgi’s neck. “What’s wrong?”

Seulgi had missed the last train home because she’d been practicing with Joohyun for hours. Although she couldn’t sing and she could barely talk, they’d kept each other company during the hours of dance. When Joohyun had offered to share her bed with Seulgi at the dorm, she couldn’t quite say no.

A warm arm wraps around Seulgi’s middle and pulls her closer.

“Hey. Seulgi-yah.”

Seulgi swallows down a few shaky breaths, trying to stop the big gulping sobs. She feels herself being turned around in Joohyun’s arms so that she’s burrowing her face into Joohyun’s chest. 

“You’re going to get your voice back. It’ll be okay.”

“… y-you don’t-”

“I do. I know it will happen.”

Seulgi swallows and looks up, seeing how the moonlight streaming in from the window makes Joohyun’s dark hair gleam like burnished lacquer. Her eyes are gentle despite the firm set of her jaw warning no room for argument. Not that Seulgi could properly protest enough for one anyway.

“You’re going to be fine. And then we’ll debut. Just like we promised.”

Seulgi nods slowly, watching as Joohyun’s mouth twitches into a sleepy smile.

“Good. Then can we please go to sleep? We have to-”

“—leave soon,” Joohyun whispers hotly against Seulgi’s neck, nails burning against the curve of her waist. Seulgi pulls apart just a little and pants, trying to get an idea of how serious Joohyun is from the hard set of her jaw. She stares as Joohyun leans back against the wall, hands still gripping Seulgi tightly.

“This isn’t a memory. A fantasy maybe?”

Seulgi frowns as her eyes stay trained on Joohyun’s painted red lips twisting in a teasing smirk.

“What?”

“Is this what you wanted to do to me during this stage? I’m surprised you were able to wait until we got back to the dorm.”

Seulgi frowns at the way the words twist around in Joohyun’s mouth. All wrong. She glances down at Joohyun’s bare shoulders and the thick fur coat that hangs on her arms. This is for Bad Boy promotions. And that can’t be right because the year is 2020, not 2017-

“Where did you go?” 

Joohyun seems sort of normal again, mouth set in a small frown as her eyes dart all over Seulgi’s face.

“S-sorry.”

“You’re not supposed to just space out. Don’t I deserve your undivided attention?”

Seulgi huffs as she presses herself against Joohyun’s throat but finds she’s just leaning into air. She blinks slowly as she stares at the space between herself and the wall of the empty waiting room. What the hell is—

—happening. 

Seulgi blinks at the completed thought, squinting at the bright fluorescent lights of the practice room above her.

“Where did you just go?” Joohyun asks. She has a fold-out chair in one hand. Seulgi just stares at the flimsy white t-shirt and the pale skin of Joohyun’s shoulder.

“Um. Nowhere?”

“Well, focus. We need to have this down by tomorrow, Seulgi-yah.”

“Unnie? Haven’t we done this before?”

Joohyun pauses, back stiffening. Seulgi feels her heart pounding in her ears and for one terrifying moment she isn’t exactly sure what she’ll see when the figure in front of her turns to face her.

But it’s just Joohyun in the end, sweaty face pursed into a frown.

“Of course we’ve done this before. We’ve practiced the routine too many times to count.”

“T-that’s not what I meant.”

“Oh?” 

Seulgi feels cool glass against the backs of her arms as she leans against the line of mirrors behind her.

“I feel like we’ve done this day before. This… this moment before.”

“Déjà vu?” Joohyun asks with the barest hint of a smile. But Seulgi knows not to look at Joohyun’s mouth to find the secret of how she’s actually feeling. It’s all in the eyes, always a little wide and flicking this way and that like she’s trying to see what thing will pop out and scare her next. But for once, Joohyun isn’t trying to evaluate the outcome as she stares at Seulgi with the confidence of someone older than she should be in 2013.

“We have done this before… haven’t we?”

“You tell me. This memory is yours, isn’t it?”

Seulgi licks her lips unintentionally as Joohyun steps forward, hands loosely gripping Seulgi’s waist. When she squeezes, Seulgi thinks of empty waiting rooms in a future fantasy world that she can’t even dare to dream of yet. 

“Unnie, what’s happening to me? To us?”

Joohyun tilts her head a little sadly at the words, smile slightly wobbly around the edges. Even though this moment is in 2013 the words are from a time far in the future.

“You did Seulgi-yah. It’s the—”

“—truth.”

Seulgi jerks in her seat, blinking rapidly at the barbeque smoke making her eyes water. She’s sitting across from Seungwan who is determinedly trying to flip pieces of pork belly.

“Seulgi-yah, you okay?”

“I-I um. Where are we?”

Sooyoung, who has a spoonful of rice halfway to her mouth, pauses with an exaggerated frown.

“Where are we? Unnie, you must still be in shock. We just had our first win! We’re out celebrating with our staff!”

“Oh,” Seulgi mutters glancing down at her blonde hair, curling around her collar bones. It’s… 2015? But that isn’t right it should be-

“Where did you go?” 

Seulgi swallows, bracing herself for seeing Joohyun right next to her. Her hair is pulled back into a low ponytail but a few curling hairs frame her face. Seulgi can’t even remember how many times she’s been the one to tuck them behind Joohyun’s ears.

“N-nowhere. Sorry. I think I’m just really tired.”

“Being a number one singer will do that to you,” teases Sooyoung with cheeks stuffed with rice. Yerim joins her in giggling and Seulgi feels one corner of her mouth lift.

“I liked this one too,” Joohyun whispers so that only Seulgi and her can hear.

“Liked what, Unnie?”

“This memory. We’re all so happy. We have no idea what’s about to happen next.”

Seulgi feels her jaw clench as she stares at Joohyun’s face. The other girl easily reaches for a piece of pork and deposits it onto Seulgi’s plate.

“What are you talking about?”

“We all thought it was a fairy tale, didn’t we? Five girls with a dream to sing and dance forever. But, Seulgi-yah, do you know what happens when you cut the strings of marionettes? They become useless. Because dancing around tied to their puppeteer's hand is all they’re meant to do.”

“Puppets?”

“Or pretty dolls. That’s what we are, right?”

Seulgi belatedly realizes the barbeque restaurant is completely empty and the meat on the grill is just bloody slabs, uncooked. She glances down at the piece Joohyun had given her and stares at the watery blood congealing against the silver plate.

“Run away with me,” Joohyun whispers into her ear suddenly, one hand tightly gripping Seulgi’s jean-clad thigh. “Run away with me and let’s forget all of this. Wouldn’t that be fun, Seulgi-yah?”

Seulgi’s chest heaves as she glances at Joohyun. But she looks all wrong now. Her hair is dark and she’s older. She looks like 2020, bitter with a painted red mouth twisted into a smirk.

“Unnie.”

“Why? Why don’t you ever give me what I want, Kang Seulgi?”

Seulgi feels her eyes burn with unshed tears at the familiar words. 

“Unnie. Please.”

Joohyun just scoffs but she leans closer, dark eyes searching.

“If true love’s kiss is supposed to wake up a princess from the spell, I wonder what my kiss would do?”

Seulgi can’t bring herself to answer because—

—she’s sitting on the floor, watching a crying trainee flee from the practice room. Seulgi swallows as she tries to tie her shoelaces but her hands are shaking. She settles for sitting still with her half-tied laces as the evaluators file slowly out of the room. When they leave, the remaining girls let out a huge sigh of relief, falling into conversation. Only Seulgi is by herself, trying to calm her breathing.

She wants this. She wants this so much. She can keep going and she’ll outlast everyone if she has to. Seulgi has been a trainee for so long now that doing anything else is unthinkable. This is what she’s  _ meant  _ to do.

Seulgi stands suddenly and starts to walk determinedly out of the practice room to—

—enter the office. She pauses in front of the big glass doors. Seulgi knows exactly where she is, and it makes her palms sweat. She glances behind her and sees her manager giving her an encouraging smile.

“Go on, Seulgi-yah,” he says. Like he doesn’t know he’s about to push Seulgi into the lion’s den. She slowly shakes her head as she stumbles away, causing the front office staff to stare at her in concern. Seulgi’s going off script now, weaving around desks as she hurtles toward the elevator. Her hands are shaking as she keeps desperately pressing the down button, trying to get away from the dread that’s like lead in her stomach.

Seulgi feels a warm hand on her arm and nearly jerks away when she realizes it’s Joohyun in typical office attire, an SM ID badge hanging from her neck on a rainbow-colored lanyard. 

“You really should go back there, Seulgi-yah.”

She shakes her head, staring straight at her lonely warped reflection in the doors of the elevator.

“Not ready yet?”

Seulgi nods once, trying to steady her gasping breaths. 

“Do you think running away will make it easier?”

“You said it’s what I’m best at,” Seulgi mutters back, earning an amused chuckle from Joohyun.

“I only say that when we fight.”

When Seulgi says nothing in reply, the warmth on her arm disappears. She glances to her side and Joohyun isn’t even—

—there. Seulgi blinks slowly as she takes in the fluorescent lights above her in the practice room. 

“Seulgi-yah, are you done with your water break? We should get started.” She stares at Joohyun’s back, eyes tracing the nearly translucent white t-shirt hanging off one shoulder.

“We’ve done this before,” Seulgi whispers, hands trembling as she watches Joohyun carefully pull a chair behind her to the center of the practice room. She doesn’t even have to glance at the mirror to know that she’s twenty and terrified of how close debut is dangling in front of her. 

Joohyun glances over her shoulder, sweat trickling down the side of her jaw as dark eyes dart over Seulgi’s face.

“Of course we’ve done this before. How many times have we practiced this routine, Seulgi-yah?”

“You know that’s not what I mean. This isn’t right… I’m twenty-seven. That,” Seulgi gestures at her young face in the mirror, “isn’t me anymore.”

Seulgi’s eye well with tears and for a brief moment the bright fluorescent lights of the room flicker. Joohyun is still looking at her over her shoulder, one hand gripping her chair so tightly that her knuckles are white.

“Isn’t it? Aren’t you still that same scared little girl? Afraid of debuting and losing her voice again?”

Seulgi swallows as Joohyun turns to face her and the sight of Bae Joohyun, 23 again, makes her stomach bottom out.

“Can’t you help make this stop, Unnie? I feel like I’m going crazy.”

Joohyun’s mouth twists and she sits in her fold-up chair, tilting her head like a cat staring at a trapped mouse.

“You’re the only one who can make this stop, Seulgi-yah. You know that.”

“That’s not true! I keep seeing this memory again and again! It’s not even that important. We don’t film this song for another six months! All we do is practice this routine until 11 and then go eat something from the convenience store.”

Joohyun hums, eyebrows raising as Seulgi brings her hands to her eyes and angrily rubs at the tears of frustration clinging to her eyelashes. She almost seems apologetic as she crosses one leg over the other and leans back against the back of the plastic chair.

“You know why we keep doing this memory over and over. Don’t you, Seulgi-yah?”

Suddenly Joohyun is standing and the memory is playing properly and Seulgi finds herself numbly following along. She pops her chair open, bending over to adjust one of the legs when Joohyun is suddenly right there. A warm hand gently rests against her wrist and when Seulgi tilts her head to look at the other girl it feels like the world temporarily tilts off its axis because Joohyun’s way too close and she can smell the barest hint of lilac fabric softener and oh no she’s falling—

—against the wall with Joohyun clutching her shoulders.

“Unnie,” Seulgi giggles again, leaning against the shoe closet as the two of them are bathed in the glow of the automatic hallway lights. She’d gotten back late from drinks with Byulyi and Hyojung. She’s so drunk she couldn’t type in the proper code to the door and eventually Joohyun had stumbled out, glasses slightly askew and hair piled on the top of her head in a messy bun.

“You smell like a bar.”

“Well of course I do, Unnie. I went to three. Or four?”

The blurry image of Joohyun scoffs at the comment and suddenly the world is spinning and Seulgi trips into the shoe closet. She steadies herself with an elbow resting on the top of the sturdy wood. Squeezing her eyes closed, she tries to gather herself and make everything stop moving around her. When she opens her eyes, she sees Joohyun’s slippered feet in her line of sight.

“What if I hadn’t been up? What if you’d been left a drunken mess in front of our door for our neighbors to see?”

Seulgi smiles at the nagging, not even phased by the prickly tone in Joohyun’s voice. She’s so used to the flare-ups of Joohyun’s temper that she doesn’t even cower like she used to. Instead, she just giggles as she tries to catch the other woman’s gaze.

“Were you worried about me, Unnie?”

She can see the furrowing of Joohyun’s eyebrows just before the motion sensor lights flick off, bathing the two of them in darkness. There is something heavy about the silence that stretches between them, filling the moment with so much more than their loaded banter ever could. Seulgi stares at Joohyun’s silhouette, strangely more visible without the lights. She swallows as she just stands in the stillness, not wanting to break whatever this moment is.

“If I say I was… worried. Would you tease me?”

“Of course I would.”

“Kang Seulgi.”

She smiles at how those stern words are the closest thing they have to  _ i love you _ .

__

“Did I wake you up?” Seulgi asks softly, still afraid to break this unexpected moment. She wants to cling to whatever this is for as long as she can before something else pulls her away. 

“Why ask a question you know the answer to?”

Seulgi giggles again but pauses when Joohyun takes a step closer and the lights don’t turn on. What year is it, Seulgi desperately wonders to herself, as Joohyun presses herself against Seulgi’s front. She clenches her jaw hard as she makes out the barest hint of her reflection in the hallway mirror in front of them. Her hair isn’t the right length or the right color she finds herself observing. When she raises her arms to pull Joohyun closer, the lights still don’t turn on.

“Is this what you wanted me to do here?” Joohyun whispers warmly against Seulgi’s throat.

“Yeah.”

“But it wouldn’t have worked, right? Because the lights would have turned on and the moment would’ve been gone.”

“Yeah. The timing wouldn’t have worked, I think.”

Joohyun nuzzles against Seulgi’s neck before sighing.

“I don’t want this to end.”

Seulgi isn’t quite sure if she said that or Joohyun did. She squeezes her eyes tighter as she presses Joohyun even closer against her chest. Maybe the other girl can ground her like she always does and she won’t go—

—away. Seulgi blinks as she stares up at the fluorescent lights of the old practice room before SM remodeled everything. She’s starfished on the wooden floor, probably covering herself in all the germs from the bottoms of hundreds of trainees’ shoes. But Seulgi doesn’t care.

She wants to be alone. She doesn’t want to see the flashing lights and make her cheeks ache with fake smiles. Even if it’s just for one hour, she wants to sit by herself and remember that she’s a person named Kang Seulgi and being an idol is her  _ job,  _ not her  _ life. _

Her eyes start to flutter closed when she hears the door unlock. Seulgi doesn’t even need to look to know who it is.

“What are you doing here?”

“Practicing.”

“Doesn’t look like it.”

“Unnie.” Seulgi tiredly opens an eye and stares up at Joohyun. The shorter woman’s hands are planted on her hips and she’s glaring down at her. She’s been seeing more and more of that displeased look on Joohyun’s face these days. Seulgi hates it.

“You usually walk me to the car when I go to Music Bank. You weren’t there today. Had to hear from a manager you were just holed up in this room.”

“Yeah.”

“Well? Do you want to tell me why you’re having a nap up here?”

Seulgi sighs as she props herself up by her elbows, tilting her head to meet Joohyun’s irritated gaze.

“I was practicing, Unnie.  _ Alone _ .”

“Oh? Well did you ever think about how you being holed up here alone without answering your phone caused a panic?”

“It’s not a big building. I don’t think-”

“You’re right you don’t think. If you did, you would be more considerate of how this looks. A member of Red Velvet lying on her back in a practice room where any group of trainees could just see you. Is that what you want, Kang Seulgi?”

Seulgi grits her teeth as she feels frustration make tears well up in her eyes.

“I just wanted a break! We’re in front of people all the time and I wanted some alone time! Why can’t I have that?”

“You think it’s possible to actually have a break with the job we have?”

“I just wanted a few hours to myself. I know we’re going on a show tomorrow. It’s just everything’s so loud and I needed some time to be alone, Unnie.”

Joohyun scoffs and Seulgi feels unfamiliar anger, hot and blinding, throb at her temples.

“I’m hosting Music Bank and filming for a web show, Seulgi. Do you see me doing this sort of thing whenever I want a break?”

“I’m not you, Unnie! I can’t deal with all of  _ this  _ the same way you can!”

Joohyun squats down, still pretty and soft in her white dress. Her makeup is cakey in the harsh light but she still looks stupidly beautiful to Seulgi. It makes the angry set to her jaw that much more stark.

“Well figure out a better way to deal with it then.”

The tears trickle down Seulgi’s face, hot and angry with a hurt that isn’t entirely unfamiliar. This isn’t the first time Joohyun’s made her cry but it—

“Hurts, doesn’t it?” 

Seulgi swallows, sitting up completely so that she can wipe at her eyes with the back of her arm.

“Yeah. You can be so…”

“Insensitive?”

“Mean. You can be mean sometimes.”

“Well, I am human.”

Seulgi’s mouth twitches at the dry tone. She glances at Joohyun, still squatting down beside her like some CF fantasy.

“You don’t even apologize for this. You just leave and then we pretend like nothing happened when we get dinner later at the dorm.”

“Do you wish I was different?”

Joohyun’s tilting her head inquisitively, the angry set to her jaw completely gone now.

Seulgi shrugs.

“I think sometimes I do. But I guess we’ve known each other for so long that I just sort of…”

Joohyun’s looking at her hungrily for words that they both are too afraid to say aloud. At least in 2016.

“Well. I would say I’m sorry but that’s out of character.”

Seulgi giggles a little and wipes at her eyes. When she glances at Joohyun again she nearly chokes because this isn’t 2016 Joohyun with her light brown hair and cakey hosting makeup. It’s  _ her  _ Joohyun, bare-faced and wearing a baggy sweater that she stole from Seulgi two years ago. 

Seulgi starts to realize the practice room is flickering in and out and just as Joohyun reaches forward she shoots backward, her back hitting—

—the floor. Hard. Seulgi groans quietly as she tries to understand why she’s looking up at the eaves of a traditional house. Her eyes follow the gentle curves so intently that she doesn’t realize someone is standing at her side. What she sees has her scrambling up so quickly her neck pinches.

“U-unnie?”

It’s Joohyun but also not Joohyun. Because she’s never seen the other girl in such an elaborate  _ hanbok _ . Her hair is tied back with jade pins and silk ornaments hang from her collar.

“T-this isn’t—This has never happened!”

Joohyun scoffs as she tilts her head at Seulgi’s reaction, pleased.

“You’re right. This is one of your fantasies.”

Seulgi’s face suddenly feels very warm.

“I-I don’t know what you’re-”

“I’m not judging, Seulgi-yah. This is pretty tame, all things considered.”

Joohyun smiles at Seulgi’s silence before teasingly adjusting the tie to her blouse.

“I thought I’d give you this,” she gestures to the ornately embroidered dark blue silk hanging off her body, “after the last thing.”

Seulgi frowns.

“Unnie. Why are we doing this? Why do I keep bouncing around my memories? None of this is real.”

“Well, it’s real in a way.”

“But this isn’t reality. Things don’t work here like they do… normally.”

Joohyun laughs, the sound making Seulgi smile. She sits down on the edge of the wooden porch of the elaborate pavilion, the spitting image of some beautiful lady in a period drama.

“It seems like you’re starting to figure things out. Maybe I should wear this outfit more often.”

“Unnie. Why is this happening to me?”

“Oh, Seulgi-yah. You’re the only one who can answer that. Should we try to—”

“—go back here?” Joohyun is still in her elaborate  _ hanbok  _ but Seulgi’s clothes are familiar as she stands in front of the office. She knows her manager is standing behind her without turning around.

“N-no please I can’t. Not yet.”

“Well then how about—”

“—here?”

Seulgi jerks in surprise as she sees they’re both in the backseat of the van. Her manager is sitting up at the front, none the wiser to Joohyun in a puffy outfit that nearly spills across two seats. 

Her phone buzzes in her lap and she already knows without looking that the texts are from Joohyun.

“You should answer that.”

“I don’t want to be here either,” Seulgi whispers, her breathing getting shallower as she feels the car slow to a stop.

“Do you want to stop somewhere for dinner?” her manager asks, completely clueless. 

“I-I, um.”

Her answer isn’t fast enough as the light changes and the car moves forward too quickly.

“Please. Please get me out of here I don’t want—”

“—to be here.”

“Why?”

Seulgi blinks and Seungwan is frowning at her over a tasty looking  _ chirashi _ bowl.

“Um, sorry. Just thinking about car troubles.”

“Uh-huh, okay. You don’t even have your license though.”

Seulgi’s mouth twitches in confusion and she glances down at her phone on the table. 2018. Cookie Jar promotions. Got it.

“Aren’t I allowed to think about things, Seungwan-ah?”

“If you can.”

Seulgi rolls her eyes and starts to spoon some of her rice into her mouth when she sees a waitress sidle up to the table. She raises her head to acknowledge her when she realizes it’s Joohyun. Seulgi swallows as she takes in the other woman in a smartly starched collared shirt and apron. When her eyes flick to her nametag, it’s in Japanese. アイリーン.

“Do you need anything?” the woman asks with a sweet smile in flawless Japanese.

Seulgi just stares, dumbfounded as Seungwan haltingly asks for water and extra wasabi. When Joohyun meets her confused gaze, she just winks and walks off.

“She was pretty.”

“U-uh huh.”

“But anyway, Seulgi-yah. You were saying? About how you’re feeling lately?”

“I was?”

Seungwan frowns in concern as she tilts her head slightly.

“Yeah. You were telling me about how you’ve been feeling really exhausted despite getting enough sleep.”

Seulgi swallows as she remembers  _ this  _ conversation. It’s like reciting lines she’s memorized as she opens her mouth.

“Sometimes I wonder if I can do this forever. Have this life.”

“We might not be able to do promotions as Red Velvet forever. But that doesn’t mean we’ll disband or anything! Look at Girl’s Generation.”

“It isn’t fair though,” Seulgi murmurs as she stares at her food. “All my skills are useless for anything except this one job. Why can’t I be the one to decide when it’s over?”

“Even if things with Red Velvet slow down, we still will get an active role in the company. There are other things we can do after. You know that Taeyeon-sunbae said we have a meeting with the executive office when the last year of our contract comes up.”

“It won’t ever be the same though. Our lives will be completely different when our seven years are up.”

Seungwan opens her mouth to say something when Joohyun returns, holding a water pitcher gracefully in one hand.

“Excuse me,” she murmurs demurely as she pours into Seungwan’s cup. When she turns to fill Seulgi’s, she grins.

“Having fun?” Joohyun asks like Seungwan can’t hear her.

“No. I think I want to leave now.”

“Don’t you want to finish this conversation? You haven’t gotten to the good bit where you talk about feeling old even though you’re only twenty-five.”

Seulgi sighs and watches Joohyun amble away like they hadn’t exchanged a single word.

“Seulgi-yah, there are always things you can do after. You aren’t stuck. People are supposed to change and grow. It’d be boring if we were doing the same thing every day for the rest of our lives.”

“Well, maybe that’s what I want. Maybe I want things to be the same. Because if it changes then—” Seulgi makes eye contact with Joohyun from across the restaurant and feels her heart pound in her ears.

“We’re only twenty-five. We have our whole lives still ahead of us. And Red Velvet is doing so well! We’re not fading away from the public eye anytime soon.”

“But what happens when we do? I’m already starting to see the comments about our age, Seungwan-ah.”

Seungwan gives Seulgi a sympathetic smile.

“It’s okay to worry about the future. But you also have to enjoy the present. Otherwise, everything just passes you by while you’ve got your head in the clouds. You’ve been letting some things slip right by you, right?”

Seulgi frowns, the conversation becoming unfamiliar.

“What do you mean?”

“This thing with Joohyun-unnie. You think desperately hooking up with each other a few times a week for the next few years will become anything meaningful when we stop being Red Velvet? What do you think it’ll feel like to lose your idol career and Bae Joohyun at the same time?”

Seulgi jerks up in her seat, slamming her hands hard against the table. When she looks up, the restaurant is empty except for her and Joohyun.

“Is this Hell?” she asks softly, watching as Joohyun slowly walks toward her. She’s untying her uniform with each graceful step, letting the apron and button downfall to the floor.

Joohyun stands before Seulgi in a simple white undershirt and cheap-looking black dress pants. It’s ridiculous how pretty she still looks.

“If it was Hell I wouldn’t be here.”

“Are you sure about that?”

Joohyun giggles as she reaches forward, cupping Seulgi’s jaw in a warm palm.

“I wouldn’t make you do this with me if I didn’t think it was good for you.”

“But you’re not really Joohyun-unnie, are you? What are you?”

The other woman’s smile just widens and she brushes a thumb along the swell of Seulgi’s cheek.

“A form of self-love maybe? The last reckoning with your greatest regrets?”

Seulgi sighs as she leans into Joohyun’s hand. After a moment of indecision, she kisses the heel of the other woman’s palm. Even though none of this is truly real, the smile that Joohyun gives her makes Seulgi wish she’d done this sort of thing the moment they’d met.

“I’m sorry,” Joohyun whispers suddenly as she takes a step closer. 

“Why?”

“For this.”

Joohyun presses closer and Seulgi’s almost cross-eyed. She blinks slowly as her eyes—

—flutter closed for a brief moment. Her breaths are wet against the warm asphalt as she tries to keep her eyes open to the myriad of blurry shapes and colors around her.

Vaguely she can hear sirens in the background.

“119! There’s been a car accident. Oh my god, I think the driver is dead and the passenger is—”

“—that alright?”

Seulgi stares at Joohyun’s bare shoulder with tears in her eyes. 

“What, Unnie?”

“I asked you if we could try to have this routine completely done by tomorrow. Is that alright?”

Seulgi nods shakily but doesn’t say a word.

“Seulgi-yah.”

“I must be dead.”

She watches carefully as Joohyun delicately opens her fold-out chair and sits down like she hasn’t heard a word.

“Aren’t you done taking a break?”

“Unnie, it doesn’t matter. I’m dead!”

Joohyun sighs and crosses her arms.

“No, you aren’t.”

“Well, then what was that? The car accident?”

“A memory.”

Seulgi angrily stands and strides toward Joohyun who’s still sitting down primly with arms crossed over her chest.

“And?”

“And what?”

“And how does that mean I’m still alive?”

“People survive car accidents all the time, Seulgi-yah.”

Seulgi’s hands are shaking as she grabs Joohyun’s shoulders, making the other woman look at her. It’s when she sees Joohyun’s eyes are filled with tears that she breaks.

“I couldn’t move one of my legs, Unnie. I think it was broken. A broken leg… for  _ me _ ? What am I supposed to do with that? How am I supposed to… with our contract renewal and-”

“Seulgi-yah.”

But Seulgi isn’t listening, just thinking so loudly about everything.

“Is this how it’s supposed to end, Unnie? A complete—”

“—mess.”

Seulgi realizes she’s sitting in her bed with Joohyun’s head pillowed in her lap. Her stomach turns as she remembers what year it is.

“Seulgi-yah. Why’d you stop?”

She glances down and meets Joohyun’s inquisitive gaze. With a sigh, she reaches forward and runs a tentative finger along the curve of the other woman’s jaw.

“You shouldn’t have said that to Sooyoung during practice today.”

Joohyun scoffs as she presses her mouth against the delicate skin of Seulgi’s inner wrist, mouth curled in a barely concealed smirk.

“It’s my job to say the things no one wants to hear.”

“I know, Unnie, but you have to think about other people, too. I can handle you saying things like that but you hurt her feelings.”

“We’ve been together for almost 6 years. She’ll be fine.”

Seulgi huffs but Joohyun just narrows her eyes, stubbornly holding onto Seulgi’s wrist.

“Unnie. Please.”

“Fine. I’ll apologize to her later.”

Seulgi smiles although she knows this isn’t the end of the conversation. She sighs as she looks down at Joohyun.

“Unnie. What is this?”

Joohyun’s face twitches, annoyance starting to bleed into the corners of her eyes.

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m… we kiss now. Sometimes.”

“And?”

Seulgi laughs unbelievably before turning to look at her door.

“You can’t run away from this conversation, Kang Seulgi.”

“I don’t know if I can do this a second time.”

An insistent hand grips the collar of her shirt, bringing Seulgi back to this memory’s reality.

“We’ve been doing this for years now. It took you that long to figure out you didn’t like it?”

Seulgi can see defensiveness curling Joohyun’s mouth despite how coldly she says the words. Like it isn’t affecting her at all.

“Maybe we should stop.”

Joohyun pulls away from Seulgi’s lap and hunches over, her long dark hair covering her face like a curtain. Her small hands curled into tight fists. Seulgi almost reaches for them but refrains.

“Why?” Joohyun’s voice is surprisingly calm. Empty.

“Because I don’t think this is good for either of us.”

“You never seemed to care about what was good for either of us the first time you kissed me, Seulgi-yah. Only what felt good when I made you come.”

“Unnie.”

Joohyun turns to look at her then and Seulgi swallows hard at the undeniable tears in Joohyun’s eyes. For once they aren’t tears of frustration or anger.

“Please. We’ve always been on borrowed time. And now with everything that’s happened this year I don’t think we should continue our… relationship.”

“I guess I’m a little surprised. I’m used to people leaving me in the end. But Seulgi-yah, I never thought you’d be one of them. Am I not worth it anymore?”

Seulgi lets out a choked sob and puts her head in her hands, shoulders shaking.

“You saw it didn’t you?” Joohyun asks, breaking the memory as she wraps her arms around Seulgi’s shoulders. “You saw the moment you broke my heart.”

Seulgi shudders as she feels Joohyun nuzzle against her neck, breathing warmly against her skin.

“This year has just been… it was never going to work. This couldn’t keep going on. And it’s for the best. I mean we’re not even dating.”

“You don’t have to lie to me, Seulgi-yah. I’m not actually her.”

Seulgi closes her eyes as she feels Joohyun’s careful fingers brush her tears from her cheeks. Moments later soft lips replace them. When Seulgi turns her head she tastes salt on Joohyun’s mouth.

She pauses, cradling Joohyun’s face in her hands as she stares at the other woman. She’s barefaced and wearing a sweater she stole from Seulgi two years ago. With a quiet sigh, she presses their foreheads together and breaths.

“I think I’ve loved you for most of my life,” Seulgi confesses as she breaks from the script.

“I know. I may be your subconscious projecting here, but I think I’ve loved you for a very long time, too.”

“It’s kind of you to shield me from what actually happened.”

Joohyun pulls back a little with a sad smile. 

“Oh, now you want the real memory.”

Seulgi opens her mouth to reply but she feels the shift. Joohyun is a small distance away from her, staring at Seulgi like a wounded animal.

“Fine,” she says her voice wobbly. “I thought maybe you’d want… that after the preliminary meeting about our contract renewal you’d want this to be something  _ different _ .”

It’s the closest Seulgi has seen Joohyun to breaking. And she’s the one causing it. A part of her wants to reach out to do her usual routine of soothing and apologizing. To pull Joohyun to her chest and comfort her. Even if it’s from herself. But Seulgi knows that in the grand scheme of things what future do they have? They’re two girls stealing secret kisses in the dark of a slowly sinking ship.

Seulgi doesn’t want either of them to drown.

“Maybe you took me for granted. Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Joohyun reels back like Seulgi has struck her.

“You… of all people are going to say that to me?”

Seulgi’s face feels hot, hands trembling with the onslaught of too many emotions at her disposal. She settles on the least painful one.

“You always think that I’ll be here waiting for you, Unnie. It’s like you think I have nothing more I’d want to do than support you. To be by your side to always help you.”

Joohyun’s eyebrows crease and her mouth twists in surprise.

“How can you say that? I’ve told you things I’ve told no one. Whenever you wanted to hang out with your friends or go on walks by yourself I said  _ nothing _ . Can’t you tell how much you mean to me, Kang Seulgi?”

“How am I supposed to be able to tell when you don’t say anything, Unnie? Am I supposed to just know that you giving me more rice means I’m sorry? Am I supposed to just understand that when you ask me if I ate you’re telling me I love you?”

“You’ve never said anything before.”

“Because you never asked! You just expected me to understand and accept everything you did.”

Seulgi feels anger choke her throat as tears trickle down her cheeks.

“I see.”

Although she can feel Joohyun staring at her, Seulgi doesn’t turn around.

“Maybe all I’m good at is hurting the people I care about. An undutiful daughter. An irresponsible leader. A bad girlfr-” 

Seulgi jerks her head towards Joohyun and their eyes meet. Silence swells around the cutoff word, capturing them both in a moment of uncertainty. For once, it’s Joohyun who looks away first.

“I should go. You have that one on one meeting today, right?”

Seulgi just nods, rubbing at her eyes again. Joohyun sighs.

“We can talk about this later. Hopefully, your meeting goes better than mine did.”

“Okay,” she mutters, staring at her hands in her lap. She can’t bear to look at the other woman as she slowly rises from her bed. But she peeks out of the corner of her eye at Joohyun’s back as she reaches for the doorknob. Seulgi knows she can’t hear her because this is the end of the memory but she can’t help herself. “Unnie I’m—”

“—sorry,” Seulgi says to an empty snow-covered field. 

She’s on her back, her thick waterproof parka doing an excellent job of keeping her dry and warm. She raises a mittened hand above her and waves at the sunset coloring everything orange and gold. This is one of her earliest memories, Seulgi realizes. Her family had taken her on a trip to Sokcho to visit Seoraksan National Park. After a day of gallivanting around and eating seafood, they’d taken a little hike around the edge of the forest at the base of the mountains.

Seulgi takes a deep breath, inhaling the fresh smell of snow and dense pine. She wonders if maybe she can stay here forever. Not moving forward or backward. Just suspended in the golden sunset of a winter day long past.

“You lied to me.”

Seulgi’s eyes flick to Joohyun. Her long dark hair covers her bare shoulders as she walks barefoot through the snow in a white slip. For a moment Seulgi wonders if she’s a ghost, come to haunt her forever. But Bae Joohyun already lurks in every memory of hers. Seulgi’s been haunted since the moment she paused in that dance room in 2013 and realized she was  _ beautiful _ .

“I did.”

“You were afraid of things changing. Our relationship was the only thing you felt like you could control. So you just destroyed it. I suppose that adage about turning into the people you date is true. Self-destructive tendencies are usually my thing.”

“And then I got into a car accident hours later.”

Joohyun scoffs, crossing her arms over her chest and tilting her head.

“You don’t get out of this so easily, Kang Seulgi.”

“Sorry. It doesn’t really matter though, does it? I’m probably dying alone in some hospital bed anyway.”

“Don’t say that.”

Seulgi just smiles a little sadly, eyes flicking to the sunset slowly falling below the horizon. 

“It’s fitting you know, that we’re ending this whole thing with my first memory.”

“Your first memory becomes your last. How poetic.”

Joohyun raises her right eyebrow and something warms in Seulgi’s chest at the sight. They’ve been through so much together. Even if she isn’t real, having Joohyun by her side at the end makes her feel less lonely.

“How do you even know this is the end?”

“I can feel it. I think this is going to be the last memory. We should make it count.”

Seulgi meets Joohyun’s troubled gaze with an easy smile. She sighs and walks to stand by Seulgi’s side.

“So this is it then? You want to leave me?”

“I can’t fight the inevitable, Unnie.”

“You’re a coward, Kang Seulgi.”

Seulgi clenches her jaw, shifting to meet Joohyun’s angry eyes.

“Oh?”

“You’re afraid of having to go back to the real world and face the car accident. The adjusted contract. Me.”

“So? Those are all very scary things.”

“But are they so scary that you’d just want to let go and fade away?”

Joohyun kneels in the snow and presses warm hands against Seulgi’s arms.

“Why won’t you let yourself see that you can adapt to new things, Seulgi-yah. You can change and grow into something that can get through all of those scary things.”

“Unnie, I’m just so— _ tired _ . Can’t I rest?”

Joohyun presses closer until their foreheads touch and Seulgi finds it comforting that they’re sharing a breath between them.

“Is that really what you want?” Joohyun whispers. Seulgi watches the sunset in the brightness of Joohyun’s eyes and can think of no better end than this.

Instead of replying, Seulgi leans forward and captures Joohyun’s mouth in one last warm kiss. They’re both smiling as golden orange and purples melt into black.

_ Joohyun remembers the first time she realized she was in love with Seulgi. They’d been practicing for hours and hours on the “Be Natural” chair routine. At one point it’s just them and two creaky fold-out chairs.  _

__

_ Seulgi is sitting on the floor, drinking greedily from a bottle of water as Joohyun watches her. _

__

_ “Unnie, are you okay?” _

__

_ “Hm?” _

__

_ Seulgi rises from her spot and crosses over to Joohyun, still sitting in her chair. She almost protests when the cold bottle is pressed against her temple. But her words die in her throat when she sees Seulgi smiling down at her. _

__

_ “Where’d you go, Unnie?” _

__

_ “Just thinking. We might actually get this dance down by tomorrow.” _

__

_ “We will. You can… you can depend on me, Unnie. I promise.” _

__

_ Joohyun’s jaw clenches because how can this younger girl know about the worries that plague Joohyun at night? She’ll stay awake just thinking of the weight on her shoulders as this new group becomes more of a reality day by day. Will she be able to do a good job? Will she be able to do right by the girls that are putting their trust in her?  _

__

_ But any defensive words die on her tongue when she sees how openly Seulgi is looking at her. Not a shred of doubt. Just pure trust. _

__

_ It makes Joohyun want to protect that trusting face from the inevitable ups and downs of their future debut. And so she reaches for Seulgi’s wrist and brushes her thumb along soft skin. _

__

_ “I’ll depend on you, Seulgi-yah. And you can depend on me, too.” _

__

_ They lapse into silence, then. Just staring at each other and understanding. Joohyun will never know exactly what Seulgi is thinking here as the moment between them stretches and stretches like a rubber band taut to snap. Maybe one day she’ll ask her. One day she’d want to hold her close, giggling in a warm hug, and ask what were you thinking about during that practice for that dance we did all those years ago? _

__

_ Eventually, of course, the moment ends and Joohyun stands, gently tugging Seulgi to her respective chair. They’re still silent as she walks over to the stereo to get the song on. Before Joohyun presses the button and ends the moment, she looks up and finds Seulgi is looking right back at her. The look in her eyes makes Joohyun’s heart pound in her ears and she almost misses the button on the machine.  _

__

_ But she presses the button and finally Seulgi— _

—opens her eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> Wow that was a trip! I hope you enjoyed letting me indulge in my deep love of memory loops and jumping through time. Feel free to leave a comment, kudos or CC ask on my twitter @thewoundupbird1


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